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Paying in cows to get a husband in Vietnam’s Central Highlands region

Paying in cows to get a husband in Vietnam’s Central Highlands region

Friday, June 12, 2015, 16:02 GMT+7

A girl must pay in cows to ‘take home’ her boyfriend to be her husband.

As a husband, he must work hard for his wife’s family to redeem the marriage gifts. Otherwise, the wife’s family will ask the husband’s to pay a fine that is even costlier than the gifts.

It is true that some villages in the Central Highlands of Vietnam follow matriarchy – a social organizational form in which a relationship is determined through the female line.

A typical case of challenging marriage gifts

H’Duyt is a Ja Rai ethnic minority girl in Krong Nang Commune, Krong Pa District, Gia Lai Province.

One day after her 18th birthday, H’Duyt told her mother, “I want to take Blang home to be my husband.”

Her mother called relatives to organize a delegation to visit Ji Rong Village to meet Blang’s parents.

They said it would cost two cows, two pigs, traditional clothes and VND30 million (US$1,400) to take Blang home.

The marriage gifts asked by the parents of the boyfriend were too much for H’Duyt’s family.

H’Duyt’s mother initially planned to borrow cows from a local official so that her daughter could marry the one she loves, but she changed her mind over fears of being unable to repay the debt.

Ksor Lia, an official in Krong Nang, said, “Our ancestors ruled that the marriage gifts make a new couple be responsible for each other.

“But the rule has been distorted now and it is mainly paid with cows.”

He added that he had to take part in trying many cases of conflicts between families related to the gifts and penalties.

Marriage gifts have thus become a burden for couples, who have to work for years to pay off debts after their marriage.

In reality, the bride’s family has to pay a big gift in exchange for a bridegroom who is rich, well-educated, a state official, teacher, or even heavy in weight.

Poor H’Duyt reflected on the challenge from her lover’s family, “They thought my family is poor and I am not beautiful.

“They don’t want me to marry their son and so they intentionally asked for such a big gift. They wanted me to give up.”

H’Duyt recalled that it was Blang who asked her to be a couple.

She asked if he accepts her since she is poor and Blang swore, “With god’s witness, I will persuade my parents to agree.”

After being indirectly refused, H’Duyt admitted she did not know if she still loves Blang.

She said she sent him messages asking why he did not keep his promise, and Blang simply told her, “I don’t know what to do. My parents refused.”

“Blang is not honest to me. He is bad duck,” H’Duyt said.

After marriage gifts, penalties follow

Marriage penalties have become an obsession of couples and their families. And some consider penalties a way to get back the big gifts they paid before marriage.

“Villagers in Krong Nang often ask for heavy challenges for marriage gifts because people there are rich,” admitted Nay Ju, a local state official.

According to village regulations, the family of a husband must pay a penalty to the family of his wife if he fails to work hard or drinks.

And many families (of husbands) have gone bankrupt because of the fines imposed by the wife’s family.

H’Duong in Blak Village of Ia Rmok Commune in Gia Lai was poor several weeks ago, but she is no longer thanks to the fine she benefitted from – 15 cows.

Her son-in-law was lazy at work and left his wife to return to his parents.

After both sides met they agreed in a written document that the son-in-law had to stay with his wife and her family, otherwise he would be fined 30 cows.

However, the son-in-law did not change his attitude.

H’Duong then arranged for her relatives to visit his parents and took home 30 cows. The disagreement was brought to local authorities, who lowered the fine to 15 cows.

She admitted, “Before I had to pay cows for my daughter to have a husband. Now the husband turns out to be lazy and they must pay the fine back.”

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